you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think I just sharted jello shots
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