Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
