1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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