Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I pour the whiskey from now on
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
