I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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