Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
what the fuck happened to the tacos
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
