I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
