oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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