Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
