i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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