i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
