Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Randomize
