I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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