I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
