If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
high people should be assigned attendants
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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