One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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