Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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