All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My ATM looks so different sober.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
