Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
