my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
