she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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