I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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