last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
