You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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