You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
