I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
