she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
