Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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