I just saw a hot homeless man
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
