Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
