I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
