Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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