There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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