I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
