Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
