When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
