Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
