If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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