If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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