I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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