from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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