Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
