4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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