fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
