She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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