Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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