I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
