no, he came in my armpit
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
