We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
