Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
